Dating 2 years and no proposal
I need a little help navigating my thoughts. I just made 10 years w/ my boyfriend over the summer. We have 2 young children together and have lived together for 9 years now. We were kids when we got together. I was 20 he was 21. We never broke up but had the usual arguments. Well it has been 10 years and still no proposal. We have talked about this for years but after this last year when just about everyone we know got married, I am getting really hard on myself thinking its me.
Have I put too much pressure on him? The only thing I come up with is that he wants to get me a huge ring but can’t afford it. He has told me several things over the years: “I want to give you the wedding you deserve but cant right now”, “Everyone else is married but look at what they said yes to”
I am very confused. I don’t know if he is around because I’m a great mom and things are comfortable. Sometimes I think the love isn’t the same anymore, like he’s not in love w/ me. I don’t want a pity proposal.
Maybe he just doesn’t see why y’all need to get married officially if you’ve already been together for years and you have two kids.
Why do you want to get married? How will things change? If they won’t, then maybe he just doesn’t see the point in it. He just sounds comfortable with the status quo.
I felt the same thing 4 yrs ago. My DF and I been together 5 yrs and no official proposal. We talked about getting married and stuff but he asn’t into it like that. Until I told him what kind of ring I liked and stuff then Christ 2012 he officially proposed. We will make 9 yrs together in Nov 30.
Wow! I wasn’t with my FH for quite that long before we got engaged, but 4 years seemed like it at the time. I think guys have a lot of pressure on them to buy a big ring and make some grand proposal. Especially with everyone posting every detail of their proposal on Facebook. My FH said he was waiting until he could afford a ring that we would be proud of and he was waiting for that perfect moment. I found out later that he had planned to propose so many other times he just worried so much that it wasn’t perfect. *Bless him* My FH was telling me the same thing your bf is telling you, all the while planning his proposal w/ a ring in his pocket. Give him time, assure him that it’s not about the ring and the material things, it’s the commitment. =)
The best advice I can give you is to talk to your boyfriend. I wanted the wedding and proposal long before we got engaged. It is something that I have really wanted for the last 3-4 years (we have been together 9 this month). You won’t know your bf’s real deep reasons for waiting until you talk. You want him to want it and be ready and no pity proposal as you said. Tell him the reasons it is important for you to get married and not just live together and he can tell you why he hasn’t proposed yet. I had to explain my reasons to FH because he was content for the longest time just living together and that wasn’t enough for me.
Sit down, have a relaxed conversation, and dive deep. Good Luck!
It sounds like things have become comfortable. as far as marriage, if it’s working, marriage is a formality. I’d first worry about spicing things up like vacation with the 2 of you.
I think that you two should have a talk. Make sure that there are no kids around too. I agree that getting married is a formality, but. obviously it is important to you to have something more official. It’s very unromantic, but I ended up being taken out to go ring shopping before the proposal. Yep so there really weren’t any surprises when the question came, but it helped him be confident that I would love the ring. Plus it didn’t help that I told him that I didn’t want a diamond.
Again you guys should just talk and if he is on the same page about wanting to get married then you should put together a budget and a plan to make it work. I feel that sometimes things see so unattainable until you come up with a plan with concrete figures. Maybe he thinks that he has to spend the three months salary on a ring, but the ring you really want is only one months. Men get weird ideas in there heads and don’t know how to verbalize them. Sigh. Good Luck!
I was in the same boat this year we have been together for nine years. I told my fh that he had to make a choice or I was leaving. I also told him I’m not playing house forever and not being a wife. We do everything as a marry couple does so it’s time to make a commitment. You need to find out what he thinks about marriage and let him know exactly how you feel. I had to put pressure on mines and for some it work and for others it doesn’t. It all depends on his mindset about getting married. If he doesn’t want to lose you I believe coming from experience he will do whats right. It’s a feeling that you cant explain. This couple getting married and only been together this long what’s wrong with my boyfriend. So many things run through your mind. I had got to the point of resentment. I would instantly get upset when I saw someone getting engage. I was very happy for them but I just kept asking myself when is my day.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie just got married after how many years? lol
Thank you ladies for your honesty and advice. And thank you for not stating the usual hurtful comments about “buying the cow. “
Erika, I relate a lot to your story. I am openly resentful. In a group of about 16 couples, we have been together the longest and all are either engaged or married. I was so close to boycotting the last friends wedding. They got married on my 10 year anniversary and I had to sit with a smile on my face all along every single person would come over saying, “when are you getting married?” I would just point at him and walk away. It’s not about pleasing society but it gets old fast explaining yourself. I don’t have the answer, go ask him.
We lived together for 2 years and he proposed on our 3rd Anniversary dinner. Thing is, it is MY house and at times I felt the same way. He moved in, lives here for practically nothing since it is paid for, and at times I wondered if I was being used. All changed with the proposal.
Jennifer I know exactly where you are coming from. I was you until I got my engagement ring. Let’s not get into everyone asking when he is going to propose and so on and so on. Especially people that are very religious and the questions that comes because you already have kids. Just talk to him and be very honest. Sometimes you have to separate to make things work. No I am not telling you to break up with him but if you feel that strong about marriage than something has to be done. Either he steps up or you move eventually. The resentment is going to be their until he says will you marry me. I hope he does it so that way you can stop questioning so many things. And when mines did it was a different appreciation for because it took him 9 years exactly to finally step up.
Marriage is *not* just a formality– it offers not only legal protections, but also a greater sense of emotional security. If that is something you want, then I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t get that just b/c you’ve already been together living as an (almost) married couple for so long.
I am not sure how to advise you in your situation, but I can tell you a story from my own experience you may or may not relate to. My brother has been with his girlfriend for 12 years. They also have two children together, and live essentially as a married couple. My “SIL” wants to be married to him– it is just part of how she was raised and something she’s grown up to want. My brother will not marry her He claims it will reduce state benefits their kids get (like, school lunch program), but this to me is a cop out. Despite being almost 40, he still is very emotionally immature and he is terrified of being that invested in someone/something. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER!! She is a wonderful person and anyone would be lucky to marry her, but for some reason, he is just afraid to add that extra commitment. This story probably doesn’t make you feel better, but I hope it emphasizes that the kinds of decisions people make are rarely about others, but about themselves. It is possible that having kids so young, your BF is afraid of growing up the rest of the way by marrying you. . . maybe he comes from a home of divorce, and so he’s worried that could happen to?? I don’t know, but please DONT blame yourself! I do agree with the others that you should talk to him about it, but whatever should happen, if marriage is something you want, then you shouldn’t write it off as a “just a formality”. . .