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Dating women who are friends w

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This isn’t being hidden from them: at the very least, Girl A knows that her friend Girl B also gave me her phone number. I find myself initially interested in both of them — both are intelligent and striking women — but I’m really clueless as to how to handle this situation in the best fashion. (This assumes, of course, that I don’t call the numbers in question and hear “Joey’s Pizza” and “Frank’s Pizza”, respectively.) For example, if I call Girl A on Friday and ask her to do something, will Girl B assume I’m uninterested? As I think this over, the situation seems to be particularly unusual in that presumably Girl A and Girl B, as friends, are in communication with each other.

Furthermore, I should note that I’ve not had a great deal of experience at all in the romantic arena, and thus, this feels to me like someone with basic algebra skills suddenly finding themselves presented with a calculus question. Were you to have suggested this particular situation to me 24 hours ago, I would have commended you on the quality of your hallucinogenic.

Finally, if all of the above leaves you shrugging in confusion too, your advice would still be appreciated in terms of any general advice you may wish to impart about dating truths you’ve experienced in your life.

If one or both of them creates drama over this, this early, I wouldn’t be interested (in the one, or both, depending). This is a pretty basic early-stage dating situation. If it were me, I’d call them both, make separate dates for both, not really worry about the context of the dates (lunch vs whatever), and just play it by ear. Jealousy on either of their parts would be unbelievably lame.

The fact that the two of them are friends, in other words, wouldn’t represent much more than a “heh, that’s amusing” to me.
Posted by autojack at 10:50 PM on April 19, 2018-2019-2019

“The menage. And not only that. She just called me and said she talked to the roommate and the roommate’s into the menage too.”

“Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?”
Posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:56 PM on April 19, 2018-2019-2019

I think it’s safe to say that anonymous’s MO is absolutely nothing like the MO’s of _sirmissalot_ or sourwookie. If he could pull that off with panache, why would he have asked this question?

Anonymous, go with the casual lunch/coffee outings. But yes, call them both the same day to head off any girl-competitiveness. For the love of god, do not wait until you’ve gone out with one before calling the other.

As long as you don’t actively try to play them off of each other, lie about seeing the other, or act like an asshole (because yes, the other will hear about it) you’ve got some time to see them seperately before weirdness sets in. After all, they did go to speed dating together and sit next to each other.

If sparks don’t fly with either, then perhaps you have two new female friends.

On the other hand, if either of them start acting very, very weird, then run. it’s a trap.
Posted by desuetude at 6:22 AM on April 20, 2018-2019-2019

Go out with both of them, at once, as friends. Like, go out with both of them to a restaurant, or coffee, or whatever. Treat it like you would any other casual outing with friends. No romance. No flowers. Go dutch. Over time, you’ll see if you want to pursue more of a relationship with either of them, but you can still be friendly with both.

Or maybe that’s bad advice. Still thought I should throw it in the mix.
Posted by Alt F4 at 6:31 AM on April 20, 2018-2019-2019

My friends who have done speed dating have never had any lasting relationship come from it.

Trust me dude, they’ve already talked about you, and if they’re both going out with you, then you’re part of a fun little “sex in the city” type experiment.

Just don’t turn the dates into auditions and you’ll be fine. Keep things light and try to have fun. If things progress, then they progress. The key is to not have any presumptions. Just be honest about the ridiculousness of the situation. Revel in it a little bit.
Posted by dobie at 7:28 AM on April 20, 2018-2019-2019

Keep things light and try to have fun.

This is excellent advice. Try not to agonize, be upfront about the situation, and for god’s sake don’t say anything to one of them you woudn’t want the other to hear, because it will be repeated. Probably nothing will come of it, but if you wind up getting together with either one, it will be a great story.

Flagged a couple of derails. AskMe is not the place to exercise your wit.
Posted by languagehat at 7:35 AM on April 20, 2018-2019-2019

Wow, I can’t believe how many people would be just fine with this. Maybe I’m old fashioned, or just a jealous harpy, but I couldn’t deal. If I was into someone and a friend gave him her number I’d be mad. If a friend was into someone and had already expressed her interest to him I’d abandon it completely, even if I thought I’d be a better match.

I don’t care how low key you keep it, I don’t care how OK they claim to be, rejection sucks. And rejection for a good friend would suck even harder. Eventually there will be drama. You won’t keep dating both of them forever, and if you pick one over the other, their friendship will suffer for it.
Posted by Kellydamnit at 8:17 AM on April 20, 2018-2019-2019

A date leads to a relationship about as often as an interview leads to a job, i. e., way less often than half the time. Have a coffee-type date with each of the girls, and see if the chemistry is there. If you feel “Wow, this girl is great and I can’t wait to see her again” AND she gives the impression that she feels the same way about you, then you schedule another date. If either of you is like, “Meh, not bad, at least it’s better than not having anyone to go out with on Friday night,” then forget it and move on.

The only problem here is the case where

(You: Wow + Girl1: Wow) + (You: Wow + Girl2: Wow)

. which is a fairly small possibility, say the equivalent of going on two job interviews in one day and getting offers from both places. If it happens, you may find yourself in the position of having to flip a coin. But, again, this is an off chance. Most likely either you and one of the girls will hit it off, or else nobody will.

How the continuing-to-date-one-of-the-two-friends process will go really is dependent on the relationship between the two girls, which after all predates whatever romantic relationship you may find yourself in. But if you find that you and GirlX want to take the dating to the next level, you can deal with the GirlY issue at that time.
Posted by La Cieca at 8:23 AM on April 20, 2018-2019-2019

Kellydamnit, I think you need to appreciate the “fast food” nature of speed dating. It’s basically a form of entertainment for a lot of people. The two girls involved do not just have Anon’s phone number. Heck, they probably have half a dozen of the same phone numbers.

Unless Anon is the sort of person who gives his dates a bulleted list of requirements for wifedom on the first date, he would be wise to just try and have fun with it and let the chips fall where they may.

If one of the girls wants to get serious, they’ll probably work it out between themselves.
Posted by dobie at 8:34 AM on April 20, 2018-2019-2019

Desuetude writes.
For the love of god, do not wait until you’ve gone out with one before calling the other.

This bears repeating. Call one and invite her to lunch, AND DO NOT PUT THE PHONE DOWN before calling the other one and inviting her to lunch on a different day.

Let them both know you’re having lunch with the other as well.

After the lunches, let things take their course. There are too many possibilities to cover them all here.

Well, okay I’ll cover one: if they’re both sweet and lovely, and both deeply into you, keep in mind that polygamy is still practiced in Utah. 🙂
Posted by tkolar at 9:26 AM on April 20, 2018-2019-2019

Good god, if they both know they’ve both asked you for a date, take them both out! What on earth would you have to lose by that?!

Hell, take ’em out at the same time: aim to develop a good friendship with them both, and if it turns out you fall for one of them, they’ll be more likely to remain friends with each other and with you.
Posted by five fresh fish at 9:50 AM on April 20, 2018-2019-2019

This problem may very well resolve itself. As the poster says, both of these women are intelligent and striking. Assuming that they are not also batshit insane, they won’t be available forever. Anonymous is worrying too much about the drama of two friends giving him their phone numbers, and not keeping the larger picture in mind: he isn’t the only guy on the planet.

So relax. The advice to call them up and invite them to lunch on different days is excellent. Do that, and if after lunch you still can’t decide between the two, then come back and ask us for more help.
Posted by ambrosia at 10:48 AM on April 20, 2018-2019-2019

This bears repeating. Call one and invite her to lunch, AND DO NOT PUT THE PHONE DOWN before calling the other one and inviting her to lunch on a different day.
Yes.

Let them both know you’re having lunch with the other as well.
No. Why bother? If they’re close friends, they’ll already know. After lunch with each, you’ll probably like one more than the other (or you won’t like either), then the decision will be made.
Posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:09 PM on April 20, 2018-2019-2019 [1 favorite]

Huh? this is speed dating lots of girls go with their friends to speed dating and give out their number to lots of guys. its really Not a big deal

Besides look at it this way. you are evaluating them. you need to hang out with both of them long enough to evaluate them and then make your selection. totally above board. simple as that.

Oh and id suggest not mentioning that you are going out with the other one, unless they ask. NOTE: they will know you are going out with the other one anyway, the reason not to mention it is so you are not pushing in their face If there are competition issues (and there probably arent, its just speed dating.

Basically forget about it its just the way speed dating works. if you got their numbers at a bar it would be different, but even then it would be cool provided you set a frame of you Evaluating which you like better. simple as that
Posted by tranceformer at 1:39 PM on April 20, 2018-2019-2019

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