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Got any advice dating a doctor

Got any advice dating a doctor

Just because a man is divorced doesn’t mean that you should rule him out completely. However, there are some things you’ll want to know before dating a divorced man to ensure this is a journey you want to go on. Here are 14 of them.

Before getting into a serious commitment with a divorced man, be sure you know where the divorce really stands. Is he still going through the divorce process? Has he been divorced for a week? A few months? This is important in determining whether or not you’re willing to go through with the relationship. Dating a man who is going through a divorce or is newly divorced can be a tough challenge.

In most relationships when you break up with someone, you can easily move them out of your lives. However, a divorced man can’t just erase his ex-wife from his memory and his life. You’ll have to be able to accept the fact that his wife will always be part of his life. The two may still be in contact, especially if kids are involved. During the relationship he may run into old friends who ask about his divorce and his ex-wife, so mentally prepare yourself for that. Don’t get insecure, angry, or sad every time you hear her name.

You’ll definitely need to accept this man’s ex-wife, but that’s as much as you need to do. There’s no point in digging up dirt about her or stalking her on Facebook. These are all clear signs of jealousy and you’ll want to work those out between you and your man. Keeping tabs on a woman he no longer desires to be with only makes things harder for you.

Similarly to his ex-wife, if this man has kids from his previous marriage, you’ll definitely need to be accepting of that. You’ll need to be extremely mindful of the parenting situation as well as the time that he has to spend with his children. You’ll also need to figure out where you fit into the picture, as it’s likely that you may one day meet his children. This means accepting his children and understanding that trash talking their mom won’t do anyone any good.

A divorced man who has already been through the hoops of a marriage may be a bit more hesitant to rush through things. This means that you’ll need to be as patient as you possibly can be. You may find that reaching relationship milestones will take some time, but that’s a sacrifice you make when dating a divorced man.

A man who was divorced just a month ago probably isn’t ready to be in the dating scene. Before getting into anything serious with a divorced man, first be sure that he is over his ex-wife. If you find that he talks a lot about his marriage, divorce, his ex-wife, and tries to spend a lot of time with her, these are all signs that he’s not yet over things. Don’t get involved with a man whose heart and head isn’t in the game, as it’s just a waste of time for you.

When you two are in the earlier stages of dating, don’t hesitate to ask this man what he wants and what he’s looking for. A man can easily go into the dating scene thinking that he’s looking for a relationship but in reality he’s just looking to have some fun. Be sure you know exactly what he’s looking for before things get too deep.

Though some men are against marriage, you may find that a divorced man is probably not looking or planning to get married again, or at least not anytime soon. Before getting into anything too serious, be sure that you know his stance on marrying again. If he doesn’t want to get married again and you do, there’s a huge conflict here. Don’t try pressuring him to get re-married, either. You’ll just push him away.

Though he may bash his ex in front of you, don’t join the trash talking session. Even if he has told you some things about his ex wife, don’t regurgitate them to him. This will put you both into a very awkward situation and it’ll only fuel his fire to make him angry and upset. You may even find that by trash talking his ex, he defends her. Avoid talking badly about his ex at all costs.

When a woman begins dating a divorced man, it’s natural instinct to be curious about his past relationships and lovers. However, if you want the relationship to be successful, the last thing you’ll want to do is to compare yourself to his ex-wife. Don’t ask about how she was in bed or how she treated him in the happier days. A divorced man doesn’t want to think about these things, nor does it do you any good knowing about them.

It’s more likely than not that this divorced man is paying alimony, child support, or both. This means that his wallet isn’t just reserved for your relationship. Be mindful and realistic when it comes to vacations, expensive dinners, expensive gifts, and other activities that are extremely pricy. This man can’t drop his existing financial responsibilities because you want to take a trip across the world. Accept and be mindful of his money.

When the time comes to meet his family and his parents, be prepared for some tough questions. While they will surely welcome you, they’ll do whatever they can to ensure that you are not like his ex-wife. His parents have seen their son at his lowest point in life, so they’re hoping that his new women is one who will only keep him at high points full of happiness.

Image Source: Shutterstock. com

A divorced man is likely to have a close circle of friends that he has known during the good and the bad. Once you’re introduced into this circle, be prepared for some of his friends to show you some tough love, subtly. You’ll probably hear “be careful with him” and they’ll be full of questions that they want you to answer. Be open, be accepting, and show that you’re not like his ex-wife, though hopefully your man knows this already.

At first this may be shocking and way too personal for you, but as time goes on and the relationship becomes a bit more serious, you’ll inevitably have to have a relationship with his ex-wife and his children. No one says that you have to be best friends with her, and no his kids don’t need to call you mom, but if you’re in his life, they will by default be a part of your life as well. Know whether you are open to this or not.

Values are what bring distinction to your life. You don’t find them, you choose them. And when you do, you’re on the path to fulfillment.

Values are what bring distinction to your life. You don’t find them, you choose them. And when you do, you’re on the path to fulfillment.

Verified by Psychology Today

Experiences with online dating tend to be mixed. Some people have excellent experiences with online dating that end in satisfying relationships. Others have stories filled with confusion and frustration. Thus, much like any other way to date, meeting someone online has both benefits and drawbacks.

So, how does someone date online successfully? As it turns out, a simple analysis of the pros and cons of online dating can help out a great deal. Fortunately, the psychological research just happens to have such an analysis.

Finkel and associates (2012) put together an extremely comprehensive review of the literature investigating various aspects of online dating. The goal of their review was to evaluate whether online dating was 1) fundamentally different from face-to-face dating and 2) was superior. Results of their assessment indicated that dating online was indeed different from “traditional” dating in a number of ways. It also provided some superior features and potential problems.

Overall, Finkel and associates (2012) found that online dating differed in three main areas:

Pros: Online dating provided individuals with access to many more potential partners than they could often find in their daily lives. This is especially true for individuals interested in partners of a particular type, orientation, lifestyle, or in isolated areas.

Cons: The choices of partners can become confusing and overwhelming. Without a clear plan, online daters can get stuck endlessly “shopping” for the perfect partner, rather than actually starting a satisfying relationship.

Pros: Many online dating sites offer various types of personality testing and matching. Such matching can help guide individuals toward dating partners who may be more compatible.

Cons: Matching is a difficult process and testing may not be accurate for everyone. In addition, people may present differently in person or change over time. So, matching may overlook potentially good partners in the process.

Pros: Online dating offers a number of ways to get to know a potential date before meeting in person. Such computer-mediated communication allows for safe and convenient interaction, without much risk or time commitment. For the busy professional, or the safety-conscious, such communication is an excellent way to “test” potential partners.

Cons: Communication through computers is lacking some of the information provided in face-to-face interaction. As a result, it is harder to evaluate a potential match online. Also, some of the cues and features that build attraction (like touching) cannot be accomplished through a computer. So, such computer-mediated communication may have an artificial and unemotional quality.

Clearly, the features of online dating have both costs and benefits. So, how do you make the most of your dating experience online? Here are a few suggestions.

Access – Having choices is wonderful, but keep them manageable. If you want an actual face-to-face dating interaction, then don’t get stuck endlessly “browsing” online. Instead, narrow your search to a small location, or a certain set of “must have” features. After your narrow it down, rather than just “shopping”, talk to those who make the list. To ensure success among your many options, make sure you have at least a general idea of what you’re looking for in a partner, and what you are offering them too. (For more on those topics, see here, here, and here).

Matching – Online tests may not be able to tell you your perfect match, but they can help narrow down the options. In particular, such testing often identifies potential daters who would be a poor relationship partner for anyone. Thus, while you may have to date a few matches to find out who is a good fit for you, matching can help you avoid those who might be a disaster. Beyond that, it might be best to trust your unconscious feelings too as your implicit “gut reactions” can have a big impact on attraction. (For more, see here and here).

Communication – Online communication is designed to make an initial connection, not set the foundation for a whole relationship. So, keep initial online conversation focused on finding out the basics quickly, then setting up an actual date. Generally, a few short emails or quick conversations will suffice. Long introductory emails may be counter-productive and off-putting too. Save it for a date. If you are crunched for time, then meet for coffee (see here). If you still have safety concerns, meet in a public place. (For more on asking for a date, see here).

Overall, it is important to remember that online dating is best used as a resource to meet individuals for eventual face-to-face dating. Keeping that goal in mind will prevent you from getting stuck on the drawbacks and limitations of dating online. So, if you get confused, the best next step is always to move an interaction toward a date. If you are overwhelmed with access to too many choices, then find a way to narrow them down and find better matches. If you don’t know what to do with a potential match, send them a quick communication. If you get frustrated with talking online, then suggest a meeting in person. Follow that process and you will more easily find a satisfying connection online and face-to-face too.

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Until next time. happy dating and relating!

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The question is directed toward me, but the girl I’m sitting next to blushes a bright red. I fumble with my fork, unprepared for the question. Then we both eye one another with an awkward glance and burst into laughter.

Truth be told, I wanted to remain friends. However, she wasn’t so sure she wanted to to remain “just friends.”

There’s a genius scene in the movie Just Friends where Ryan Reynolds character explains the concept of the dreaded “Friend Zone” to a fellow co-worker.

“See when a girl decides that you’re her friend, you’re no longer a dating option. You become this complete non-sexual entity in her eyes, like her brother… or a lamp.”

While I found my friend beautiful, likable, and funny I wasn’t romantically attracted to her in the slightest. It ended up confusing her because I always wanted to hang out, yet she also had romantic feelings.

Friends continued to press why we weren’t dating, and I was honest enough to explain I didn’t feel a single romantic spark in my bones toward her.

“Why? She’s hot and you’re dumb,” a friend joked. As if beauty cures the ill for romantic feelings.

While I took my friends teasing with a grain of salt, one evening I sat listening to a respected and charismatic speaker talk about dating. During a Q&A portion a young man asked whether he should date a girl he felt no attraction toward. Like me, he explained she was pretty, fun, and he loved spending time with her — but other than that — the romantic spark was cold and dead. I perked up knowing I was in the same situation.

The advice the speaker gave him was this: “You should try dating because if she’s as amazing as you make her out to be, those feelings will eventually come. Commit to that person and the feelings will come.”

In fairness, due to rampant online dating, we’re seeing many men fail to commit to anything for fear someone better is out there. Ghosting and general douchbaggery is at an all time high, so I believe the speaker was trying to combat that mentality.

But his advice destroyed my friendship.

I took the speakers words to heart and dated my friend thinking the feelings would come. But they never did. Instead, I tried to change her into what I thought would help me like her more. To this day, I grieve and regret the way I treated her. Though several years have passed and both of us are married, the damage was so intense we’ve never been able to reconcile.

Out of that relationship, however, I’ve learned that sometimes well-meaning advice is actually bad advice. There are ways to spot it and avoid the “friend zone” in the process too. Here’s what you should know.

By and far, my gut reaction was the strongest feeling of resistance when I decided to date my friend. Most other people will agree that after a relationship implodes, they should have “trusted their gut.”

But what does that mean exactly?

When something doesn’t feel right, chances are it’s usually wrong. Deep down you know you’re getting duped or your BS radar knows something you haven’t caught onto yet. I even heard that speaker’s same advice repeated by someone else I respected, but it still didn’t sit right. Because I didn’t trust my gut, it would only be later that I uncovered why everything felt off.

Choice and commitment are elements of a healthy relationship. It’s true we need more than just fleeting “I like you” emotions. However, we can’t depend on sheer willpower or commitment to sustain us. Other elements and emotions are important to create a well rounded relationship. Everyone on earth will experience conflict in a relationship. The butterfly feelings will sour. So after those events happen, will and choice play a part. But white-knuckling a dating relationship until feelings magically appear ends up wounding one party. Imagine if your best friend told you “The only reason we’re friends is because I’m committed to this friendship. I’m not particularly fond of you and don’t necessarily enjoy your company, but I plan to make this work.”

That’s not a friend or lover you’d want to have, right?

That was the nagging sensation in my gut all along. So the next time that twisting in your soul occurs to let you know something isn’t right — Listen to your gut.

2. If you suspect your friend likes you, but don’t have those feelings, be honest. If you’re the one with feelings, be honest too.

No one likes being in the “friend zone.” It’s like the scene from Superman where Zod and his buddies get sent to the Phantom Zone. You feel stuck with no escape. If you’re the one who has romantic feelings, you might be embarrassed to share them for fear of rejection. The other alternative is to keep torturing yourself and wonder if that person will ever reciprocate. That will only make you bitter in the long run while your friendship deteriorates.

If you suspect your friend is developing romantic feelings for you, be up front about the friendship. It may be hard for them to hear as they wanted something more, but by doing so you’ve set a healthy boundary. Resentment and frustration get nipped in the bud and the friendship can grow once more.

All of this may sound frightening, but remember that courage comes in the form of speaking the truth. Even when you’re afraid.

Many a college student have graduated their university only to end up angry and confused because they followed career advice hand-picked by their parents. Their parents were entrepreneurs or doctors so they advised their children to follow suit. You then have hordes of young professionals either hating their current career or stuck figuring out what they’re wired for.

When people give you dating advice (or any advice for that matter), it’s beneficial to ask yourself if they have a proverbial horse in the race — and if so — just what that horse is? Are they giving you dating advice when they have a crush on the same person? With the dating advice I heard, the speaker’s horse was that he’d seen far too many in our generation buying into consumer relationships. While well-intentioned, his advice was equally bad and pushed people towards disastrous results he hadn’t intended. If, instead, he took the time to understand the young man’s intentions to see if consumerism lurked underneath, he could have given a well-rounded answer.

If you suspect a bias, try asking other friends or family whose feelings aren’t tied to your decisions. Search for someone who listens carefully to the context of what you’re going through and asks questions to help you discover the root of your concerns. Be forewarned! The most dangerous liars are the ones who think they’re telling the truth.

The biggest indicator that someone is giving you solid advice is discovering why they’re sharing it. Is this someone that loves and cares about you? Do they value your decisions and believe in you? The best advice will come from those who don’t give it carelessly or maliciously.

Learn in advance to spot foolish advice and where the hidden nuggets of truth lie. While you can get fooled by seemingly sage advice, remember that even a wise person’s silence can inspire the correct course of action.

Dig the writing and writers at HeartSupport? Follow our publication to support mental health and a non-profit hell-bent on life transformation.

Values are what bring distinction to your life. You don’t find them, you choose them. And when you do, you’re on the path to fulfillment.

Values are what bring distinction to your life. You don’t find them, you choose them. And when you do, you’re on the path to fulfillment.

I am so happy to have found your blog! I have a problem that has been ongoing for my entire life, pretty much. I have no friends. Well, let me restate that: I have no friends who keep in touch without me doing all the effort and even then it is spotty! I am 35 years old.

A little history, in case it is applicable to my current problem: in middle school, I had a very close best friend but she dumped me, which was really tough. Then, in high school and into college I had some best friends that I ended up dumping abruptly over the littlest thing, which I have since realized was due to trust issues that I have worked through now. So why can’t I keep friends?

I have a group of three friends whom I have known since I was about 21. They don’t call me or email me really, but if I email and rally everyone for a get together we have fun. but then nothing. And I hear from them that they have gotten together in the meantime. I don’t get it – what is wrong with me?

Around the neighborhood I chat, make meals for the new moms, etc. but then nothing. And the other moms get together without me. I have female cousins who are really great, we have fun when we are together—but they never call or ask me to get together. It always has to be me.

The fact that this is a pattern in all my female friendships troubles me and makes me think that I am doing something wrong, but I don’t know what. I am a caring person and go out of my way to ask people about their lives when I am having conversations. My therapist has said that there is nothing wrong with having to be the one to always initiate a get together, but then I see my others who have a group of close friends who get together and really support each other, and I wonder, why not me?

I am an only child and sometimes just feel very alone. Other times I feel okay with having no friends. But all in all, I wish it were different. Do you have any advice for me?

Ouch! It sounds like you feel like you’re a pariah. It’s impossible to guess why your friendships don’t “stick” and there’s no uptake by others but the problem seems to be a pattern rather than a one-time occurrence—and something you want to change.

Can you self-identify your specific problem (s)? Here are some of the possibilities why people don’t have close reciprocal relationships with friends. I’m sure other readers will add to the list.

Temperament – Are you shy and uncomfortable around people? This can make people around you feel uncomfortable too.

Insecurity – Do you feel like you can’t measure up to the people you want as friends? Are you able to trust other people? These may be barriers that create distance between you and your friends.

Preference – Are you introverted? When push comes to shove, do you actually prefer being alone rather than spending time with friends? Do you think people know this when they’re around you? Or, are you extraordinarily social—so preoccupied with making lots of acquaintances that you lose out on making close friendships?

Psychological Issues – Do you have a history of difficulty establishing intimate relationships with others? Are you uncomfortable with people knowing the real you?

Lack of Experience – Regardless of age, some people lack the skills needed to make and maintain friendships. Do you think you have what it takes to be a good friend?

Situational Obstacles – Do you live in a geographical area where it is particularly difficult to connect with people? This might include living someplace rural where there are few people or because of a history of frequent moves, being someplace where you feel like an outsider.

Disabilities – Do you have a mental or physical disability? Unfortunately, because of stigma, people shun individuals with mental or physical disabilities. In addition, being homebound can limit the opportunity to make friends.

Personality – Is there something about you that others find grating? Are you too needy? Too pushy? Too talkative? Too controlling? Are you fiercely independent—wanting to call all the shots regarding what, when and where? Sometimes, there is something off-putting about a person’s behavior and the individual lacks awareness of the problem.

Communication Style – Do you respond to your friend’s overtures as well as initiate contact? Are you available on line or by phone, depending on your friend’s preferred mode of communication.

Time Management Problems – Do you have a hard time juggling all the responsibilities and demands placed on you? Do you consider making time for friends selfish or frivolous?

Unrealistic expectations – Have you led your friends to believe that you will always do the organizing? Do you have an unrealistic, romanticized notion of friendship? Do you expect all friendships to be perfect and last forever?

Talking to an objective third party is a good way to gain insight into something you can’t figure out about yourself. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a therapist; it could be your spouse, a sibling, or someone else you trust.

Since you are already in therapy, perhaps this list will provide a useful starting point to explore various possibilities with your therapist. I agree that something is amiss given the scenario you have described and your desire for more reciprocal friendships.

Prior blog posts on The Friendship Blog that touch upon having no friends:

Visit the new Friendship Forums on my blog to talk with other people about this and other friendship problems.

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