Help! Found my friend’s husband on an online dating site.
I signed up for an online dating site a few days ago just to see what kind of single men my age were out there. I didn’t even put up a picture, and didn’t write down anything about myself.
While I was mindlessly browsing, I came across a picture of a guy that looked familiar. I clicked through, and looked at his profile. It was MY FRIEND’S HUSBAND.
All his profile said was, “looking for a nice female friend to spoil, no drama please” and in the looking for section, it said casual sex, new friends, short and long-term dating. They got married right after last Thanksgiving, and she told me this summer that they want to start trying to have kids in a year. This especially makes me compelled to tell her ASAP, but how? I want to tell her with tact, and not just say things like, “leave your pathetic husband now! He’s a jerk!” I’m thinking that giving her the information in a neutral way would be the best way to go about it, and essentially tell her, “here are the screenshots. Do with this information what you wish.” Any advice on how to handle this situation would be appreciated.
I would contact her immediately with screenshots. I would say something along the lines of, “I am so sorry to be the one to share this with you, but I found your husband. I thought you should know as I would want someone to tell me.” I highly doubt she will be angry or upset with you. I would wait for her reaction before I said anything further. Perhaps they have an open marriage. Unlikely but I guess I’d wait before I started calling him a scumbag, hah.
You will get many different opinions. Some will say mind your business. The messenger always gets shot. Tell her she deserves to know blah blah.
I can see both sides. However, they are having unprotected sex to have a child. She is at risk for STDs. I would print out the profile and give it to her. I think that if she decides to leave, it’ll be easier without children now. It’ll be harder with a child on the way. I would want to know. That way I can walk away before I get pregnant by someone who is unfaithful and disrespectful.
If I were in your position I wouldn’t care if she gets mad at me and we lose our friendship. I rather make sure she is safe and has all the facts instead of being around her knowing this huge secret. I would give her the profile and tell her that I’m here for her if she wants to talk. That’s it. I wouldn’t tell her to leave. I would let her make that choice on her own.
How do you know it’s a current profile?
Girl. tell her. If someone would have told me they found my husband on the dating sites he was on I could’ve saved myself so much heartache, instead I believed lies and he made me feel like I was crazy. Take screenshots and give her solid proof so he can’t lie his way out of it. Make sure you get dates on there and all
Does it say when his account was last active? I know plenty of fish says when they were last online but apps like Tinder don’t. I would go to her with all the screen shots but if there’s no proof that it’s an active account then be prepared for him to defend himself and her to believe him.
Because it said that the last time he logged in was the day before I found his profile. The location is also the city they live in. He moved there AFTER they got engaged.
Yes, he’s active. This site shows last login time and date. The last time he had logged in was the day before I found his profile a few days ago.
I completely agree with you. I wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt and burden of knowing this and maintain a friendship like everything is just fine and dandy.
If she gets mad at me for presenting this information even after I show her proof (the screenshots), then she’s not the friend for me anyway.
Thanks for your advice.
I would tell her before she gets pregnant. I wouldn’t come at her with screenshots but I would have them in case he deletes them and she wants them. I would say something like, “so I signed up for a dating site and came across a profile for Matt (or whatever). Maybe it’s old but he might want to delete it.” That will plant the seed and then let her do some digging. If she’s smart and wants more information I’d probably tell her that you can see when he was last active and then send her a screenshot. She might want to sweep it under the rug or she might even know about it (you never know what goes on behind closed doors) and I wouldn’t want her to be weird with me going forward so I’d take her lead from there. If she acts like it’s no big deal, I would absolutely move on.
Just make sure you get screenshots that show the last login date AND the city. She will probably want to listen to his lies or excuses, so if she has the concrete evidence. it’ll be easier for her to believe that it’s true.
What an idiot this guy must be. anyone who knows him or her could easily find him!
Tsk tsk tsk. Some guys. I really don’t have much advice because I’m in a similar predicament. I found out recently through my Husband, that one of our friends is cheating on his Wife. His Wife is my Friend and she just gave birth to their third child 4 months ago. He also cheated on her 5 years ago and made another girl pregnant while his wife was also pregnant with their second Daughter. That child from the affair is now also 5 years old. But through it all, she’s stayed by him and even though he raked up some pretty bad gambling debts recently and lost some friends and credibility due to money issues, and things were pretty down and blue for him, she stayed by him. Supporting and loving. She really is like the perfect Wife. I don’t understand how he could do this to her and it made me cry when I found out. I don’t even cry as easily for my own ***. But this really hit me. Knowing all she went through, and now this. I know I could never be the one to tell her. A part of me wishes she never finds out too, but I won’t deny, I pray a huge slap comes to her Husband and he wakes the hell up. I’ve felt so lousy about it I can’t even look at her instagram stories or pictures without being annoyed or reminded of her *** cheating Husband. It’s really a terrible thing to know and I truly understand. A part of me hopes she finds out and leaves him. But a part of me knows that even if she found out, she might just forgive him and continue staying. But her heart would be broken. So if that were the case, I hope she never finds out and I hope he changes.
Sorry for hijacking your post with my own story btw! Hah. It just all came out after reading yours. Do let us know what you intend to do in the end! I hope your Friend appreciates you and has your back too.