A friend of my family passed away two months ago. She was more like a 2nd mother to me. She died very tragically and took everyone by surprise. Her husband and her were together for about 20 years. I asked my sister how he was doing this morning and she said he was good, that he has a new girlfriend. That shocked me that he already has a girlfriend 2 months after his wife died.
So question, how would you say is a respectable amount of time to start a new relationship after loosing your spouse?
If my husband were to die, I think it could take me at least a year if not longer.
I don’t think it’s fair to place any sort of timeline on grief or moving on, and hypothesizing about yourself is only that-you won’t know what timeline is right for you until you’re in the situation. I might raise my eyebrows a little but unless it appears the husband is being taken advantage of in a vulnerable state, I’d be happy he’s happy. You (gen) don’t know what any marriage is like unless you’re part of it-they may’ve been together 20 years but that doesn’t mean it was perfect. And even if it was, a week could be enough for one person; 10 years may not be long enough for another.
My dad’s been gone going on 4 years. His death wasn’t unexpected (he was 87 and in failing health), but my mom has shown zero interest in dating anyone, and insists she probably never will even though she’s only in her early 60s. That’s cool, too.
It would personally take me a lot longer than two months, but everyone grieves differently. Two months seems soon but we have no idea what’s in his heart. I’m sure he still misses, loves and grieves his wife very much. He’s probably just moving on the only way he knows how.
Two months seems short. I bet he’s struggling more on the inside than he shows on the outside. On average, they say it takes 15-18 months to get over a failed relationship that you engaged in for 2+ years, and that’s just a failed relationship! I imagine death would be worse/longer/harder. More than likely, he’s just looking to fill that incredibly empty void he is feeling right now. And that’s okay. If it helps him through his grief, then that’s what he needs.
I can see why you would be taken back. Two months feels very soon to be dating again. I wouldn’t say anything but I would silently judge if someone I loved died and their spouse was back to dating so soon. I think that’s a natural feeling.
For me I don’t think I would move on. I have been with my husband since 1998. Since we were teens. So I doubt I would be back on the scene in less than two months after he died. But life goes on and people don’t want to be alone. We want and need love. So I think whatever time is right for them. But I think it’s unfair to date so soon and get involved if you’re not healed from your loss.
I think that as soon as the person is able to try being with someone else and wants to, that’s the acceptable time. I worry that I’ll die and leave my baby without her mom. Her father is amazing, but she needs more than just him. I would hope that he could find someone who would love him and my daughter, and that they would try to help her move forward in her life and always be respectful of my memory and remind her how much she was loved. I even wouldn’t mind if some nice woman comforted my husband at my funeral and it developed into a relationship. Death is permanent. It doesn’t change. Someone isn’t more dead over time. They’re the same level of dead from the first minute. Whatever someone needs to do to move forward is what they should do. Some relationships are once-in-a-lifetime perfect fit fireworks and rainbows miracle. Those shouldn’t be passed up because society might think an individual’s timing is tasteless.
Everyone grieves differently. I’ve read (this had to have been over 10 years ago when I was grieving myself so I unfortunately don’t have the source) that often people who were in very happy marriages will find another partner sooner than expected. They don’t necessarily want to replace the person but they want to have the same feeling they did in the relationship. It can be quite healthy, though not always.
Grief doesn’t have a set timeline but I would be concerned about someone I know moving on after only 2 months after the sudden death of their spouse of 20 years. Like a PP mentioned, I might be concerned that they are being taken advantage of in an extremely vulnerable state, or I might worry that they are avoiding their grief and choosing denial instead by jumping quickly into a new relationship. It would depend on a lot of individual factors whether I would be concerned or not, but I can see how it could be a potential red flag for a bigger issue.
Your response got me teary-eyed. You sound very mature. It would be awful to leave my babies without a mom above all else. I still can’t imagine my husband being with someone else or my babies getting another mom. I know that’s immature on my part but that’s so hard to even fathom.
I don’t believe i would ever want another man. I have to admit that i have been very hurt by the short amount of time between a death of a spouse and a new girlfriend. I have seen this more with men. When my mimi died, my grandfather had a new girlfriend within a month. I was as shocked as you and very angry. I was very close and i couldnt look at this new woman in my grandmothers house. It took me a long time to get over it and i m still resentful. My great aunt died two years ago, and my uncle had the maid moved in within a week literally! This woman took everything down ans threw away all my aunts stuff. Redecorated everything. She threw away our ancestry papers my aunt had in the house. She took my aunts jewelry, whitch belongs to my family. It was my great grandmothers jewelry and her wishes was for it go to my great grandmother granddaughters, including my mother. Its really my uncles fault, he allowed this woman to this. It would hurt my aunt so badly to know he went against her wishes like this. It makes me so sick and angry, i do not want to visit. Id be hard pressed to be civil to either of them and not go to his funeral.
A timeline should not be placed on companionship or love after the death of a spouse or partner. I also don’t think anyone owes an “honorary” time of loneliness and celibacy to that spouse or partner.
If I died suddenly or by illness, I would hope my husband would be dating ASAP just to have someone to share life with and enjoy good times. The idea of him cooking a fun dinner, traveling or dining alone makes me want to cry. I also wouldn’t want my now 4 month old son to be motherless.
I forgot to mention that this woman is my mother’s age and he is seven five. She has been given all his bank accounts, all his money, redecorated the house for herans and she spends money like crazy. She doesn’t live with him all the time, she lives in another city party. I think she has another man in the town. She’s a mooching gold digger ***.
He probably misses the companionship and that is why he’s dating so soon. This is how he’s dealing with it. And it’s ok. I don’t think it means he’s over her, or done grieving.
After my divorce, I moved on quickly within a month. After a relationship ended that I had thought would be “forever”, I needed almost a year. So I think it greatly depends on the individual and your state of mind at the time. If God forbid I end up a widow, I can honestly say I can’t see myself ever wanting another relationship. It’s very hard to put myself in those shoes.
It’s impossible to have a timeline. Every situation is different. Maybe he is lonely and this girlfriend is a companion or someone who takes his mind off of missing his wife. Maybe he and his wife had talked at one point about what the survivor would do when their spouse died and she said she hoped he’d find someone else to spend time with. Maybe the girlfriend recently lost someone too and they are helping each other through. I’d rather see someone out and enjoying life than at home miserable, and I’d want that for my loved ones too. We all experience grief differently and I try not to judge that.
Everyone is different. I think it’s a bit judgemental to try to decide for someone else how long it should take. I see why, but surely it’s entirely up to the individual person.