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How to deal with the girl you like dating someone else

How to deal with the girl you like dating someone else

These writings contain my experiences and opinions. The opinions are personal in nature, not professional. I am not a professional; I have no degree. These are the insights I have gleaned from living four years in a polyamorous relationship.

Previous editions of this column can be found in the Monthly Columns Archives.

When Theory Meets Practice

Today I’m here to offer the very trite and clichéd advice “never say never.” I’ve recently discovered that if one says “never”, then Murphy ’s Law will sooner or later make “never” into an eventuality. Perhaps I should start at the beginning

I’m a member of a polyfidelitous female, male, female triad. We used to be a female, male, female, male quad. Wife has been known to date from time to time, and we’re all okay with that. We’ve been together nigh on five years now, and we’re functioning quite well as a family. This means that I know how to live as a poly person, right? Well, maybe not. Quite technically, I’ve been living monogamously in a polyamorous relationship. Hubby is our hinge, and I’m only sexually involved with him. I do not date. I’ve never wanted to date. Until now.

It’s not like I didn’t realize the fact that I was living as a monogamous person in a poly relationship. I just never thought much of it, so it’s not like it was something always in the forefront of my mind. It was just a fact; I assumed it would always be a fact, so I never bothered to process what would happen if I eventually decided I didn’t want it to be that way. I am only in a poly relationship because when I found the love of my life, he happened to be married to my best friend. It’s not something that I actively pursued; it’s something that just happened. I’m pretty laid back and very open-minded, so the lifestyle suits me well. I entered into this relationship in order to be with the man I love. I had no desire to take it beyond that point or to involve any other people on my end of the equation. Until I did.

So, theoretically, I am a poly person. In practice, as yet, I am not. I don’t suppose I thought it would ever matter, because I was one of those people who said “never,” and because I said never, when I met someone that I actually did want to date, I wasn’t really sure what to do with that. We’d never discussed what would happen if I wanted to date, because when the subject came up, oh so long ago, I said, “That will never happen. I’m not looking for anyone else. I’m perfectly happy with the way things are.” Hubby stated that two women were plenty, and he didn’t want to date either. Wife was the only one who expressed interest in having relationships outside of our family, so we talked about that, we processed that, and when it happened, we all knew what to do and how to act. There’s a very important lesson there; she, along with us, her family, processed what would happen Before it happened. This made everything infinitely easier to deal with for everyone, including her.

When I came across a person that I wanted to get to know much better, I was completely flabbergasted. I kept asking myself, “How exactly did this happen? I said Never.” So all of the sudden, I was not only dealing with a rather profound mental-emotional attraction, I was also in the midst of processing just exactly what I was supposed to do about that. I had no clue what my next move should be, because I hadn’t bothered to think about it before it actually happened. One would think that someone in a poly relationship would know what to do/how to act when s/he meets someone with whom s/he’d like to develop a relationship. This is why it’s very beneficial to consider these things beforehand.

Of course, I’m not the only one this affects; it has an impact on my entire family. This morning I had the following conversation with my Hubby.

Anna: “I think I would like to date.”

Hubby: “Are you serious? Who? Why? Are you mad at me?”

Anna: “Yeah I’m serious. It’s not someone you know. Because I’m attracted to him on several different levels, and why on earth would you think I’m mad at you?”

Hubby: “Well, you’ve done some irrational things before when you were mad at me.”

Anna: “Are you saying that me wanting to date is irrational?”

Hubby: “Yes. No. Well, maybe. Listen Anna, it’s just that you don’t always make the best decisions, and besides, you said that you didn’t want to date anyone else.”

Anna: “I know I said that. That was almost five years ago, and I meant it when I said it. I wasn’t looking for anyone else. I didn’t go out and try to find anyone else. It just happened. I met this person. I talked to this person. It never occurred to me to get involved with this person. The more we talked, the more I felt feelings developing. I’d just like to see where they go, and I plan on going very slowly.”

Hubby: “What if I’m not comfortable with you dating?”

Ummm, I had no idea how to address that question. I was completely at a loss for an answer. What if he’s not comfortable with me dating? Well, what if he’s not? He does have two wives after all. That’s how I answered the question, actually.

Anna: “Why wouldn’t you be comfortable? You’ve got two wives after all.”

Hubby: (after a prolonged silence) “I know I do, and I’m okay with Wife dating, but I’m not sure how I feel about you dating, because we’ve never really talked about it. I didn’t think it would happen.”

The conversation continued along those lines for quite some time. We did talk about it. We talked about it a lot, and then we talked about it some more. I’m still not sure how comfortable he is with the idea; though, he’s certainly more comfortable than when I first brought it up. It turns out that he has some insecurities that I never would have imagined in him. I had no idea, because we had never discussed it before. We never discussed it before, because I said never. I was kind of hurt and kind of pissed when he informed me that he was totally okay with Wife dating, but not me. The more I think about it though, the more strange sense it makes. He, and we as a family, addressed this with Wife a long time ago. She didn’t say never. She said “maybe;” she said “what if;” we all processed it and talked about it. It was out there, and we all knew that eventually it would happen, so when it did, it was a much easier thing with which to deal.

Hubby and I have a lot more talking to do, and we will do it. The fact is, however, that we should have done it A long time ago That brings me full circle back to my original advice. Never say never. It will come back around to bite you if you do. It’s better to say, “Not freaking likely, but just in case I ever change my mind, let’s talk about it now. Let’s talk about what to do and how to act and what the ‘rules’ are.” This allows everyone some breathing room. It allows one to enjoy the ride. It makes it straight in your own head just what to do if/when you start developing feelings for someone outside of your family. It makes it possible to fulfill your needs without stepping over anyone else’s boundaries. Most importantly, it makes it possible to have a good time when theory meets practice.

PolyAnna; February 02, 2006

PolyAnna is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted Here or through our message board Forums.

I think it’s safe to say I’ve known myself and my likes and dislikes for most of my life. I’m fairly strong minded. It is also safe to say I have had to get to know myself in a whole new way since being married, and even more so since having Lauren.

I have had to decide who I actually like being around. Who I don’t. I’ve had to be so honest with myself about my flaws it is a bit painful.

I’m selfish. I think I should come first. I think most people have a bit of this in them, but I had to peel the onion here and tell myself this, then also tell myself I am selfish but this cannot continue. Someone else comes a 100% first. I should say that this person is my husband, Jonathan. I can’t honestly say this though. That’s how a marriage should be, but Lauren needs it so much more and is quite demanding with everything she needs, that I have to make sure my utmost best is done to be there for Lauren in every which way. I am trying to make sure Jonathan comes next.

I am extremely angry at my Heavenly Father, God. I am. Because I don’t understand why my precious little girl (not baby any more 🙁 ) has to deal with everything she has to deal with. It just isn’t fair. I have actually come across a family that played on the fact that Doctors ‘thought’ their child might have CF. They told everyone she did. Until it was proved she didn’t. And you know what-I felt like they deserved to have to deal with all this pain. That’s not a kind, or Christian thing to say. But seriously!! Yet, we are the ones who deal with this pain. I’m angry because to a certain degree I understand why we have to face trials, heart ache’s. Opposition in all things. I believe in who God is, my eternal Father. I have had experiences I cannot deny nor would I want to. To some it may sound disrespectful that I’m talking about Deity in such a way. To those I would say, my relationship with God is a personal one. I have to let myself feel and work out my relationship with him by myself. Don’t judge me and I’ll show you the same respect.

I am bitter. I am not 100% bitter. I have moments where I look around and just get bitter because I see good situations everywhere. I see how easy life can be. And I am bitter.

I am not a great wife. I try and am trying even more so lately but I have got so much work to do. I am an OK wife. My goal is to be the one Jonathan deserves.

I have suffered with depression, stress and anxiety, and I still do. I have had to be honest with myself and seek help in the places that I know can help me. This help isn’t from church (some may think that’s what I mean). I need more strategic professional help to implement coping mechanisms. I do not cope with things very well after the last 6 years of non stop trials. It’s hard talking about mental illness. I have said for years I’m mental-flippantly and in no way to try and cause offence by my use of the word. But I do actually struggle with mental health problems. What a scary thing to admit to yourself. But my decision is to do all I can to help myself. The rest is written in the stars I suppose!!

I am an extremely devoted Mother. No one loves that little girl like I do. My entire existence is to try and be better so she has better. My life revolves around her every need. The moment I knew she had my heart-I committed to being the best for her. That is what I’ve tried to do through everything. Better at times than others. I see her limitations as a challenge to try something new with her. She does not like me most of the time. But I know what that little munchkin is capable of, and so I will continue to try and be drill sergeant but make sure she knows I love her. I have at times had to swallow my pride because someone else knows best where she’s concerned. However-there have been more times when I have had to push myself to fight for the best for Lauren. She has helped me grow and be strong and be more than I could be. An eternal connection is weaved into our souls.

I have become less caring for simpler things with children. I don’t know how to change that. I don’t mean to be. I have just seen so much, my tiny baby could have very well have been to weak to take surgery-then what! She survived major bowel surgery. Not the worst anyone ever had to deal with by far but she has been prodded and poked and had so much to deal with, that when someone has something trivial going on, I find myself thinking-get over it, it’s not life and death. One day I will lose my child to a horrible disease. Does your problem compare?! I don’t say those things because the tiny filter system I do have tells me that I’m being irrational. Those things are relative to the people involved. I try not to beg attention for my child’s condition. I just get on with it. Because that is what I want her to know about me. I’m a do-er. I’m proactive. I do feel things-deeply-but I want her to experience and enjoy life so I concentrate on that. I try not to focus on the life or death situation that hangs over us like a deep dark cloud. It’s there. But that’s not what I want Lauren to know.

I feel guilty sometimes, mostly when I am around my nieces and nephews without Lauren. I find myself happy that I get to walk with someone who doesn’t need my help to walk. I find myself relieved at how easy it is taking one of them to the toilet. How easy it is to explain something to them or playing with them because they understand how to play. Then I feel a pang of guilt because I don’t want Lauren to ever feel like she isn’t enough. It’s so hard.

I am grateful. To everyone who makes an effort with me, us. To understand how my life is and not be offended if I’m a bit curt sometimes. To everyone who understands how hard it can be, and they relieve the stress and burden for a short time. I feel incredibly blessed to be surrounded by some incredibly amazing people. Lauren is one very lucky girl.

I know my limits in most situations. I leave rooms when people become too much. I try not to go into situations where I’m going to be too honest with someone else. I try to stay away from social functions or get togethers when I feel very run down. My family need the best from me. So I’ve had to slow down. I’ve had to stop overloading myself. I’ve had to realise when I just can’t do something even when I really want to, because it will leave me feeling worse.

I’ve started writing. I needed to write things down to get them out of my head, to process. I’ve needed to become more and more open with myself and I’m still in the middle of ‘who do I want to become’. It probably won’t stop-we are always evolving so I want a good grounding for the future me.

No matter how hard I am perceived to be, I have a very deep soft heart and don’t go out of my way to be unkind. Getting to know yourself and truly honestly admitting things to yourself about who you are is actually a very scary, raw and challenging task. I am still going. I realised opinions of others has very little chance of mattering to me. people I love have a bigger chance but I’ve got to be OK with me, and if I’m OK with me, then I’m OK.

This is late, yes but huge shoutout to @drinkandlearn for hosting a fabulous tour for us last week! Interactive, history, architecture, stories, impersonations, it was so fabulous! And cocktails to boot!! Thank you! . . . .

#Repost @e2e. events with @get_repost ・・・ Sexy Sip & Paint Red Bottom Fashion Edition! 💋Best Girls Night out in Brooklyn💋 🍩🍹Delicious Wine & Desserts are always served with a Fun energetic crowd 🍹🍩 Date : October 13th Saturday Time: 8:00pm-10:00pm Price : $40 a Person Artist : @abach1227 with step by step instructions Everything’s included!! You don’t have to be an Artist to create your very own Masterpiece 🎨 Come alone meet New Friends or Bring Friends and get your Drink & Paint On 🎨 Location: @PlasterGalaxy 2208 Avenue U, Brooklyn NY 11229 Last event got SOLD OUT really Fast! Spots are SUPER LIMITED book yours now! TICKETS: CLICK GET TICKETS BUTTON Event info : https://www. facebook. com/events/378387866034705/?ti=cl By @E2e. Events Non-refundable but can be transfered to someone else. 👠👠👠👠👠👠👠👠👠👠👠👠 #party #partynyc #cocktails #music #fashionblogger #vip #fashionista #instafamous #nycevent #exclusive #nycfashion #fblogger #chic #fashiondiaries #beautiful #NYCGIRL #E2EEVENTS #sipandpaint #paintandsip #pinot #art #event #brooklynevent #girlsnightout #painting #swarovski #bling #wine #redbottoms

Sexy Sip & Paint Red Bottom Fashion Edition! 💋Best Girls Night out in Brooklyn💋 🍩🍹Delicious Wine & Desserts are always served with a Fun energetic crowd 🍹🍩 Date : October 13th Saturday Time: 8:00pm-10:00pm Price : $40 a Person Artist : @abach1227 with step by step instructions Everything’s included!! You don’t have to be an Artist to create your very own Masterpiece 🎨 Come alone meet New Friends or Bring Friends and get your Drink & Paint On 🎨 Location: @PlasterGalaxy 2208 Avenue U, Brooklyn NY 11229 Last event got SOLD OUT really Fast! Spots are SUPER LIMITED book yours ASAP Tickets: https://www. eventbrite. com/e/sip-paint-red-bottom-fashion-edition-tickets-50553867980 Event info : https://www. facebook. com/events/378387866034705/?ti=cl By @E2e. Events Non-refundable but can be transfered to someone else. 👠👠👠👠👠👠👠👠👠👠👠👠 #party #partynyc #cocktails #music #fashionblogger #vip #fashionista #instafamous #nycevent #exclusive #nycfashion #fblogger #chic #fashiondiaries #beautiful #NYCGIRL #E2EEVENTS #sipandpaint #paintandsip #pinot #art #event #brooklynevent #girlsnightout #painting #swarovski #bling #wine #redbottoms

Sexy Sip & Paint Red Bottom Fashion Edition! 💋Best Girls Night out in Brooklyn💋 🍩🍹Delicious Wine & Desserts are always served with a Fun energetic crowd 🍹🍩 Date : October 13th Saturday Time: 8:00pm-10:00pm Price : $40 a Person Artist : @abach1227 with step by step instructions Everything’s included!! You don’t have to be an Artist to create your very own Masterpiece 🎨 Come alone meet New Friends or Bring Friends and get your Drink & Paint On 🎨 Location: @PlasterGalaxy 2208 Avenue U, Brooklyn NY 11229 Last event got SOLD OUT really Fast! Spots are SUPER LIMITED book yours ASAP Tickets: https://www. eventbrite. com/e/sip-paint-red-bottom-fashion-edition-tickets-50553867980 Event info : https://www. facebook. com/events/378387866034705/?ti=cl By @E2e. Events Non-refundable but can be transfered to someone else. 👠👠👠👠👠👠👠👠👠👠👠👠 #party #partynyc #cocktails #music #fashionblogger #vip #fashionista #instafamous #nycevent #exclusive #nycfashion #fblogger #chic #fashiondiaries #beautiful #NYCGIRL #E2EEVENTS #sipandpaint #paintandsip #pinot #art #event #brooklynevent #girlsnightout #painting #swarovski #bling #wine #redbottoms

Hey guys! Come support a home girl! Guys I’ll be participating at the holiday glitz event. Come out for drinks holiday shopping and an awesome time. Also come support me! Comment below if you need a ticket. I do quickpay/ PayPal/venmo. info on the Glitz and Glam event Date: December 1st Time: 7:00pm-10:30pm Location : La Vue 3202 Emmons Ave, Brooklyn NY Price : 💰$20 till Oct 11th ( if not Sold Out by then price will go up to $25) 👣 SeXy Santa Holiday Glitz and Glam Event. By 💕E2e Events💕 Biggest Beauty Event of the Year Filled with Tons of Surprises!! Free to dos like : Nails, facials, Makeup, Hair and soo much more where m 1st to purchase tickets will get a Free to do appointment at the event) U-MODE SALON will provide stunning updos, braids & beautiful Makeup.💄 – Give out Amazing Goodie bags 🛍for all the members! Along with 1 more sponsor. Each member gets 2 Goodie Bags. We will also have : – Holiday Tree 🌲with edible ornaments for you to enjoy. 🍩🍬🍫 – SeXy Santa for members to tell Santa what they want for the holidays and take a picture with 🕵 – Insane Fur & Trending Fashion show – The Real Hunk-o-mania Sexy Man Show ( ladies bring those singles!!) – Expensive Raffles – DJ 🎧🎶 – Red Carpet Step & Repeat with Photographers, Bloggers & Media 🎥 – Full Bar with Special Glitz & Glam cocktails 🍸🍹 – Soooooo Much Moreee!! Hand picked only The Best Vendors to shop from for your unique holiday gifts! 🎁 Spots are limited and we always Sell out Fast – Do Not Wait to get your tickets! Contact me back Asap! 💻 It’s 18+ https://www. facebook. com/events/1785953245056193/?ti=cl #brooklyn #holiday #party #strippers #e2eevents #e2e #holidayparty #shoppingevent #christmas #hannukkah #newyork #queens #nightclub #women #nyc #bk #like4like #follow #happyhour #littlebitofluckshop #evileye #hamsa #protection #instagood #statenisland #bronx #manhattan @e2e. events

Only have a couple tickets left. Don’t miss out. Come Join me at this amazing event. December 1st, 7pm at La Vue Restaurant and Lounge. On 3202 Emmons Avenue, Brooklyn, NY. It is Sexy Santa Glitz & Glam. I will be a vendor along many other, hand selected, vendors. Live entertainment, Free services that range from Hair

And more. Food and Drinks. Red Carpet and Photo Ops, and GIFT BAGS. Raffles as well. Come and shop, get spoiled, and have a Blast. $20. For entrance Fee. Pm for payment details. Don’t miss this fabulous event. Www. Touchstonecrystal. Com/jennifercorallo #e2eevents #jennysjewels #touchstonecrystal #swarovski #spreadthesparkle #glitzandglam

Plaster Galaxy – On 10/27, @e2e. events is hosting a Halloween Painting Pizza Party 🎃🎨🍕🎊 at @plastergalaxy in SHEEPSHEAD BAY, BK 5-7:30pm. Get your tics while you can. This event has been added bc the first event has sold out. This was us at Plaster Galaxy painting. #plastergalaxy #e2eevents #sheepsheadbay #brooklyn #bk #nycmamionthemove #keepitmovin

Last night was so fun! Thank you @nails_too_inspire for having me! #e2eevents

These writings contain my experiences and opinions. The opinions are personal in nature, not professional. I am not a professional; I have no degree. These are the insights I have gleaned from living four years in a polyamorous relationship.

Previous editions of this column can be found in the Monthly Columns Archives.

When Theory Meets Practice

Today I’m here to offer the very trite and clichéd advice “never say never.” I’ve recently discovered that if one says “never”, then Murphy ’s Law will sooner or later make “never” into an eventuality. Perhaps I should start at the beginning

I’m a member of a polyfidelitous female, male, female triad. We used to be a female, male, female, male quad. Wife has been known to date from time to time, and we’re all okay with that. We’ve been together nigh on five years now, and we’re functioning quite well as a family. This means that I know how to live as a poly person, right? Well, maybe not. Quite technically, I’ve been living monogamously in a polyamorous relationship. Hubby is our hinge, and I’m only sexually involved with him. I do not date. I’ve never wanted to date. Until now.

It’s not like I didn’t realize the fact that I was living as a monogamous person in a poly relationship. I just never thought much of it, so it’s not like it was something always in the forefront of my mind. It was just a fact; I assumed it would always be a fact, so I never bothered to process what would happen if I eventually decided I didn’t want it to be that way. I am only in a poly relationship because when I found the love of my life, he happened to be married to my best friend. It’s not something that I actively pursued; it’s something that just happened. I’m pretty laid back and very open-minded, so the lifestyle suits me well. I entered into this relationship in order to be with the man I love. I had no desire to take it beyond that point or to involve any other people on my end of the equation. Until I did.

So, theoretically, I am a poly person. In practice, as yet, I am not. I don’t suppose I thought it would ever matter, because I was one of those people who said “never,” and because I said never, when I met someone that I actually did want to date, I wasn’t really sure what to do with that. We’d never discussed what would happen if I wanted to date, because when the subject came up, oh so long ago, I said, “That will never happen. I’m not looking for anyone else. I’m perfectly happy with the way things are.” Hubby stated that two women were plenty, and he didn’t want to date either. Wife was the only one who expressed interest in having relationships outside of our family, so we talked about that, we processed that, and when it happened, we all knew what to do and how to act. There’s a very important lesson there; she, along with us, her family, processed what would happen Before it happened. This made everything infinitely easier to deal with for everyone, including her.

When I came across a person that I wanted to get to know much better, I was completely flabbergasted. I kept asking myself, “How exactly did this happen? I said Never.” So all of the sudden, I was not only dealing with a rather profound mental-emotional attraction, I was also in the midst of processing just exactly what I was supposed to do about that. I had no clue what my next move should be, because I hadn’t bothered to think about it before it actually happened. One would think that someone in a poly relationship would know what to do/how to act when s/he meets someone with whom s/he’d like to develop a relationship. This is why it’s very beneficial to consider these things beforehand.

Of course, I’m not the only one this affects; it has an impact on my entire family. This morning I had the following conversation with my Hubby.

Anna: “I think I would like to date.”

Hubby: “Are you serious? Who? Why? Are you mad at me?”

Anna: “Yeah I’m serious. It’s not someone you know. Because I’m attracted to him on several different levels, and why on earth would you think I’m mad at you?”

Hubby: “Well, you’ve done some irrational things before when you were mad at me.”

Anna: “Are you saying that me wanting to date is irrational?”

Hubby: “Yes. No. Well, maybe. Listen Anna, it’s just that you don’t always make the best decisions, and besides, you said that you didn’t want to date anyone else.”

Anna: “I know I said that. That was almost five years ago, and I meant it when I said it. I wasn’t looking for anyone else. I didn’t go out and try to find anyone else. It just happened. I met this person. I talked to this person. It never occurred to me to get involved with this person. The more we talked, the more I felt feelings developing. I’d just like to see where they go, and I plan on going very slowly.”

Hubby: “What if I’m not comfortable with you dating?”

Ummm, I had no idea how to address that question. I was completely at a loss for an answer. What if he’s not comfortable with me dating? Well, what if he’s not? He does have two wives after all. That’s how I answered the question, actually.

Anna: “Why wouldn’t you be comfortable? You’ve got two wives after all.”

Hubby: (after a prolonged silence) “I know I do, and I’m okay with Wife dating, but I’m not sure how I feel about you dating, because we’ve never really talked about it. I didn’t think it would happen.”

The conversation continued along those lines for quite some time. We did talk about it. We talked about it a lot, and then we talked about it some more. I’m still not sure how comfortable he is with the idea; though, he’s certainly more comfortable than when I first brought it up. It turns out that he has some insecurities that I never would have imagined in him. I had no idea, because we had never discussed it before. We never discussed it before, because I said never. I was kind of hurt and kind of pissed when he informed me that he was totally okay with Wife dating, but not me. The more I think about it though, the more strange sense it makes. He, and we as a family, addressed this with Wife a long time ago. She didn’t say never. She said “maybe;” she said “what if;” we all processed it and talked about it. It was out there, and we all knew that eventually it would happen, so when it did, it was a much easier thing with which to deal.

Hubby and I have a lot more talking to do, and we will do it. The fact is, however, that we should have done it A long time ago That brings me full circle back to my original advice. Never say never. It will come back around to bite you if you do. It’s better to say, “Not freaking likely, but just in case I ever change my mind, let’s talk about it now. Let’s talk about what to do and how to act and what the ‘rules’ are.” This allows everyone some breathing room. It allows one to enjoy the ride. It makes it straight in your own head just what to do if/when you start developing feelings for someone outside of your family. It makes it possible to fulfill your needs without stepping over anyone else’s boundaries. Most importantly, it makes it possible to have a good time when theory meets practice.

PolyAnna; February 02, 2006

PolyAnna is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted Here or through our message board Forums.

These writings contain my experiences and opinions. The opinions are personal in nature, not professional. I am not a professional; I have no degree. These are the insights I have gleaned from living four years in a polyamorous relationship.

Previous editions of this column can be found in the Monthly Columns Archives.

When Theory Meets Practice

Today I’m here to offer the very trite and clichéd advice “never say never.” I’ve recently discovered that if one says “never”, then Murphy ’s Law will sooner or later make “never” into an eventuality. Perhaps I should start at the beginning

I’m a member of a polyfidelitous female, male, female triad. We used to be a female, male, female, male quad. Wife has been known to date from time to time, and we’re all okay with that. We’ve been together nigh on five years now, and we’re functioning quite well as a family. This means that I know how to live as a poly person, right? Well, maybe not. Quite technically, I’ve been living monogamously in a polyamorous relationship. Hubby is our hinge, and I’m only sexually involved with him. I do not date. I’ve never wanted to date. Until now.

It’s not like I didn’t realize the fact that I was living as a monogamous person in a poly relationship. I just never thought much of it, so it’s not like it was something always in the forefront of my mind. It was just a fact; I assumed it would always be a fact, so I never bothered to process what would happen if I eventually decided I didn’t want it to be that way. I am only in a poly relationship because when I found the love of my life, he happened to be married to my best friend. It’s not something that I actively pursued; it’s something that just happened. I’m pretty laid back and very open-minded, so the lifestyle suits me well. I entered into this relationship in order to be with the man I love. I had no desire to take it beyond that point or to involve any other people on my end of the equation. Until I did.

So, theoretically, I am a poly person. In practice, as yet, I am not. I don’t suppose I thought it would ever matter, because I was one of those people who said “never,” and because I said never, when I met someone that I actually did want to date, I wasn’t really sure what to do with that. We’d never discussed what would happen if I wanted to date, because when the subject came up, oh so long ago, I said, “That will never happen. I’m not looking for anyone else. I’m perfectly happy with the way things are.” Hubby stated that two women were plenty, and he didn’t want to date either. Wife was the only one who expressed interest in having relationships outside of our family, so we talked about that, we processed that, and when it happened, we all knew what to do and how to act. There’s a very important lesson there; she, along with us, her family, processed what would happen Before it happened. This made everything infinitely easier to deal with for everyone, including her.

When I came across a person that I wanted to get to know much better, I was completely flabbergasted. I kept asking myself, “How exactly did this happen? I said Never.” So all of the sudden, I was not only dealing with a rather profound mental-emotional attraction, I was also in the midst of processing just exactly what I was supposed to do about that. I had no clue what my next move should be, because I hadn’t bothered to think about it before it actually happened. One would think that someone in a poly relationship would know what to do/how to act when s/he meets someone with whom s/he’d like to develop a relationship. This is why it’s very beneficial to consider these things beforehand.

Of course, I’m not the only one this affects; it has an impact on my entire family. This morning I had the following conversation with my Hubby.

Anna: “I think I would like to date.”

Hubby: “Are you serious? Who? Why? Are you mad at me?”

Anna: “Yeah I’m serious. It’s not someone you know. Because I’m attracted to him on several different levels, and why on earth would you think I’m mad at you?”

Hubby: “Well, you’ve done some irrational things before when you were mad at me.”

Anna: “Are you saying that me wanting to date is irrational?”

Hubby: “Yes. No. Well, maybe. Listen Anna, it’s just that you don’t always make the best decisions, and besides, you said that you didn’t want to date anyone else.”

Anna: “I know I said that. That was almost five years ago, and I meant it when I said it. I wasn’t looking for anyone else. I didn’t go out and try to find anyone else. It just happened. I met this person. I talked to this person. It never occurred to me to get involved with this person. The more we talked, the more I felt feelings developing. I’d just like to see where they go, and I plan on going very slowly.”

Hubby: “What if I’m not comfortable with you dating?”

Ummm, I had no idea how to address that question. I was completely at a loss for an answer. What if he’s not comfortable with me dating? Well, what if he’s not? He does have two wives after all. That’s how I answered the question, actually.

Anna: “Why wouldn’t you be comfortable? You’ve got two wives after all.”

Hubby: (after a prolonged silence) “I know I do, and I’m okay with Wife dating, but I’m not sure how I feel about you dating, because we’ve never really talked about it. I didn’t think it would happen.”

The conversation continued along those lines for quite some time. We did talk about it. We talked about it a lot, and then we talked about it some more. I’m still not sure how comfortable he is with the idea; though, he’s certainly more comfortable than when I first brought it up. It turns out that he has some insecurities that I never would have imagined in him. I had no idea, because we had never discussed it before. We never discussed it before, because I said never. I was kind of hurt and kind of pissed when he informed me that he was totally okay with Wife dating, but not me. The more I think about it though, the more strange sense it makes. He, and we as a family, addressed this with Wife a long time ago. She didn’t say never. She said “maybe;” she said “what if;” we all processed it and talked about it. It was out there, and we all knew that eventually it would happen, so when it did, it was a much easier thing with which to deal.

Hubby and I have a lot more talking to do, and we will do it. The fact is, however, that we should have done it A long time ago That brings me full circle back to my original advice. Never say never. It will come back around to bite you if you do. It’s better to say, “Not freaking likely, but just in case I ever change my mind, let’s talk about it now. Let’s talk about what to do and how to act and what the ‘rules’ are.” This allows everyone some breathing room. It allows one to enjoy the ride. It makes it straight in your own head just what to do if/when you start developing feelings for someone outside of your family. It makes it possible to fulfill your needs without stepping over anyone else’s boundaries. Most importantly, it makes it possible to have a good time when theory meets practice.

PolyAnna; February 02, 2006

PolyAnna is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted Here or through our message board Forums.

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