Whether 16 years or even older, it’s an established fact that women are generally attracted to older men.
However, it is essential for every caring parent to have adequate knowledge of the universally well-known reasons for this somewhat unsettling brainteaser.
Now, keep reading to discover reasons your daughter is dating an older man and also learn a few tips for successfully managing this delicate situation without destroying the critical parent-child trust and love.
It really doesn’t take any divine inspiration to appreciate the obvious fact that older men are much more established than their younger counterparts.
Because it’s natural for any woman to date a man of remarkable means who can take proper care of her, what your daughter is but pursuing the age-old trend long taken by her female ancestors.
Very few ladies, if any, would want to hook up with a sissy twenty-something-year-old who’s still putting up with his army of immature roommates.
Due to their extensive interactions with the opposite gender, grown-up males learn that appreciating women is the quickest gateway into their hearts.
Unlike young mates who may not appreciate her not-so-cute looks, older partners will praise her appearance all the same.
Away from the outer physique, mature lovers do not endeavor to change a woman’s personality like young experienced ones do.
While women who had a sour bitter father-daughter association in their tender stages may grow up to hate older men of their dad’s age bracket, the opposite cannot be truer.
Therefore, your daughter of 16 years may be involved with a far older man due to the basic reason that she sees him as a perfect replica of paternal love and attention. This is especially true in father-orphaned girls or those living away from their biological fathers.
Again, the girl may come from a family with many younger siblings, which gradually reduces the close girl-father attention and adoration.
Similarly, grown-up males are imposingly more self-assured perhaps due to the understandable fact that they have already discovered who they are, or possibly as a result of professional and financial self-actualization.
Since women are naturally drawn to potential suitors who speak and act confidently, this could be the ultimate reason your girl is dating a gentleman who’s in his late forties.
Contrary to the self-respecting ebullience that adults portray, many young boys doubt their self-worth, which directly puts them an awkward position in the eyes of girls of their age.
Due to the undeniable fact that older men have greater control over matters and this profoundly lures younger females.
Even behavioral scientists can attest to the cardinal principle that women are automatically attracted to power, perhaps more than anything else.
Therefore, it is quite vital to conduct some background check to ascertain whether the man your daughter is in love with wields some measure of power or influence of some sort. If yes, then you precisely know why she’s so much into him.
While it’s reasonably natural for your daughter to be attracted to an older man, there are some potential drawbacks associated with wide-age-gap love affairs.
As a result, it behooves you to prudently handle this extremely delicate state of affairs so as it protect your child without causing further harm.
Nonetheless, these likely downsides should not deceive you into acting tactless or ruthless as this may put a lasting wedge between the two of you.
Freaking out may lead to senseless actions that may drive her further into the opportunistic strangers arms. Therefore, it is always advisable to act with calculated caution seeing that you can’t save already spilled water.
The various careful steps to take after you discover that your 16-year-old daughter is involved with an adult man largely depend on the time they’ve been together. Before you take the proverbial bull by the horns, it is exceedingly wise to investigate fully to determine how long she has been seeing the man in question.
While the best ways to tackle this two-pronged jigsaw may vary from one unique case to another, the fact that dating an older man may wreck your daughter’s life should be fully acknowledged by every concerned parent.
As such, you should cash in on the obvious daughter-parent trust and honestly counsel your teenage girl on the consequences of making this somewhat unfavorable choice at such a tender age.
Relying on your personal ingenuity, and privately, undertake a clandestine investigation to establish whether your child has been abused in any way.
If not, you should handle the matter in a discreet manner to salvage your daughter from possible trouble. If you find out there has been evident gross misuse, don’t hesitate to involve the authorities. It’s the only sensible to do as a truly loving guardian.
Since it may be hard to talk to your girl about her older lover, it is more advisable to delegate this responsibility to a professional counselor. It is, therefore, good to brief an independent counselor about the situation and let them discuss the issue in your absence.
This will create a sense of neutrality and openness and the child will be able to share some privy details she may deliberately hide from you.
Given the fact that your daughter may be dating a mature guy due to some particular failures as a parent, making the necessary amends may preclude the necessity of the generally unhealthy love affair.
For instance, it is possible that your daughter is dating looking for the parental love that you withhold from her. Again, there’s a high probability that you have neglected your key money-related responsibilities.
Although this may not be possible in all the cases, it’s very helpful to talk to your daughter’s lover personally as a way of managing this awfully delicate situation.
Talking to girl’s partner helps you get a better glimpse into the whole situation. It will also provide further insights about the kind of a man the teenager is involved with.
Some parents rush to criminalize their daughter’s dating mature guys. However, this is entirely unwise as it may push your girl further into the hands of a strange man.
As such, a lot of caution should be employed every inch of the tough way. In any case, you should assume that the lover is a thoroughly good person – that may be the chief reason your child fell in love with him!
If your daughter’s seeing a married man twice her age, you may prudently conclude that the affair is based on absolute opportunism.
Similarly, if the man’s single and well-focused, then you should be very careful to avoid wrecking a perfectly well-meant relationship.
Remember that you also passed through the same challenges that your daughter is facing currently.
This is an extremely important step to take as a caring parent after discovering that your daughter is dating an older male.
In fact, this intervention should overrun all the other tips provided above. If the man is infected with a venereal disease, acting pretty fast can save your girl from deadly consequences.
I’m currently in a relationship with a fella the age of my older sister. It has its perks and it has its bummer moments, but I think dating up in age is something that women should do at least once in life, even if it doesn’t turn into something serious. Dating an older man can teach you a lot, especially about yourself (and what you do and don’t want in a partner), but it’s not always the easiest of relationships. But then again, what relationship is ever easy? Just in case you’re thinking of getting serious with a fella quite a few years older or even decades older than you, here are a few things you might want to keep in mind before you get it crackin’.
Depending on how old the man you’re seeing is, he might have certain goals he’s trying to finish accomplishing. I know a woman who dates an older man, and he jumps from profession to profession while trying to make a career in music take off. But the guy I’m dating is focused on taking his career to the next level. He’s busy studying for a major exam that will allow him to work for whomever he wants and to make the kind of moves and money I probably won’t ever see (hey, columnists weren’t meant to be millionaires). With all that drive comes a lot of time we don’t get to share together. Early on I used to have a fit every week about what he could do to make more time for me, but at a certain point, after some compromising, you end up just trying to be supportive and patient. Besides, I wouldn’t want the finger pointed at me for having a part in keeping him from doing what he needs to do to get ahead.
Some older fellas are flexible in trying new things (aka, the stuff you like), but what happens when you’re dealing with one who says, “I stopped hanging out at places like that in my 20s”? Sometimes you just have to accept that you might be messing with a party pooper, and from there you will have to determine if his lack of spontaneity is enough to make you leave because you feel you’re being held back. But for the most part, suggesting a range of fun things that don’t become repetitive could get him out of his set ways slowly but surely. Especially if those things are free.99…
Like I said, if you allow it, things can get pretty dull. While I love me some him, my partner has no problem with chilling indoors all day, catching up on his taped shows and eating the same rice dish every week. Uh, I can’t go for that.
Feel free to encourage an opportunity for the both of you to cook together. Go for walks when the weather permits. Hit up a cute wine bar and talk about more than work. Try a new type of food (and pitch in to pay from time to time), or if you must stay cooped up in the house, pull out the Dominoes. You don’t have to hit up a nightclub every weekend, but you definitely don’t want to spend too many weekends being the coupled up couch potatoes.
Joking from time to time is cool, but don’t get too comfortable trying to blame certain issues on his age. (“Just because you’re 44 and you don’t like to do ___ doesn’t mean ___.”) Just as you wouldn’t want him to continuously blame certain things you do on your age (like you’re a child), I wouldn’t recommend doing the same. And if he likes a certain type of music or movie that is a bit “old” for you, don’t be too dramatic when he talks about his love for it (i. e. “WHO!? That must be before my time…”).
An older man might know what he wants for himself in the next span of years, but so do his family members. Don’t get too bent out of shape if a question is asked of you that you didn’t see coming (“When are you guys getting married??”). Just be honest about the fact that you’re taking things slow (if that’s what you’re doing) and keep it cool (Or, “You gotta ask him” always works). Also be ready for nosy friends (especially women friends) who might think they’re entitled to question you about your cooking abilities, and what you’d be willing to do for their friend if you’re around for the long-term. Instead of cussing them good, just say, “No comment.”
Don’t come in thinking you’ve found a sugar daddy, or that because he’s older he will have his life together and be wise. Sometimes age really isn’t nothin’ but a number. He might be in a world of debt and have a sideways way of thinking as opposed to an IRA account and a wealth of wisdom from past experiences. Every man is different, and sometimes change of self doesn’t come with a change in age.
Don’t start changing things about yourself to mold into wifey-material, just because he knows he wants to settle down soon. It’s okay to take interest in things he has a passion for, but don’t start doing things you know you can’t stand to make a good impression. That includes cooking elaborate meals, pretending you enjoy baseball and agreeing to watch old war movies. Don’t change yourself to get his attention. You’ve already got it!
All that *I know you can read my mind so you should know I’m hella pissed* way of doing things could get you ignored by an older man real quick. Trust me, I learned the hard way. So if you’re upset about something substantial, don’t be afraid to calm yourself down, open your mouth and let it be known that you’ve been hurt by his actions. If you don’t want to do something or don’t like something, speak on it. Don’t keep it to yourself and sulk or moan about it. Being straightforward goes a long way.
The fact that I wrote this article should tell you that age does matter. But it shouldn’t be that big of a deal in your relationship to the point that it’s often brought up or on your mind. Know soon into a relationship with an older man where you all stand on different things that could be a big deal in the future, including kids, marriage, and your feelings on cohabitation and more, and you should be able to make the relationship work as if you were dating someone the same age as you.
I am a single mom dealing with a teenager who is in love with a boy that is a danger to her.
My daughter met this boy back in April and has been seeing him ever since. The problem is that she is 14-years old, and he just turned 18-years old. I’ve never approved of this relationship when I found out about it a month ago.
The state that I’m from says he was under 18 at the time they met, so it’s nothing they can do. I plan on moving next month, so hopefully that will end the relationship.
My biggest concern is that he has given her 4 STDs!! I am a Medical Assistant, so I have warned my daughter about different diseases and how they affect the body. One of the diseases is genital herpes. When I took her to get formally diagnosed she was crying and upset. An hour later she wants to be back with him. I told her he doesn’t care about her because he still has not been treated by any doctors and still has all those diseases!! (Trichomonias, Gonorrhea, and genital herpes)
I even have her seeing a psychologist, and she says that’s not going to stop her from being with him. I don’t know what else to do. – A Mad Black Mother
Dear Ms. A Mad Black Mother,
Ma’am, I am mad with you, and for you! Good lawd! Whew! I swear I would be locked up if I found out my 14-year old daughter was dating an 18-year old boy, and he gave her 4 STDs! Oh, hell to the naw! Yeah, you would be reading about me on every blog, and seeing me on all the news channels. Ain’t no way his ole nasty infectious tainted penis and crusty baby nuts would be walking around. Hell naw!
Let me gather myself and take a few deep breaths. Chile, you got my blood pressure up with this letter. I wish my child would tell me that it’s not going to stop her from seeing him. She would know what temporary blindness feels like, and it would be the last time she ever said something like that to me!
First, I don’t know what state you live in, but I’m not buying that, “Since they met when he was under 18 that there is nothing they can do.” Uhm, the hell. He is 18-years old now, and dating a minor. That is still statutory rape. What dissolves him from being 18 and dating a 14-year old? What state will overlook an 18-year old dating a 14-year old even if they met while he was under age? I strongly urge you to look to the courts, talk with a lawyer, and get some legal professionals involved. I don’t believe that for one minute the state will not press charges, or consider it illegal.
Next, I would be at his parent’s house, and confronting him and them. Don’t go angrily and judging them because you may not be able to get through to them, and they may be resistant in hearing you. But, let them know that you are truly concerned, and they should know what is going on, and that he is infected with several diseases, of which he has transmitted to your daughter. Go there with all the paperwork and proof, and, if they are resistant in believing their son is responsible for the STDs, then you schedule a visit with them, and him to the doctor. Both parental teams need to work together as a unit, and then you need to express to your children why this relationship is detrimental to the both of them, the age difference, and the legal repercussions behind it all.
Now, I’m mad that you just found out a month ago that they’ve been dating since April of this year, which means it’s been six months since they’ve been dating and intimate. Uhm, not judging you, but why did it take you this long to find out about this relationship? How and what the hell is she doing, and where is she going at 14 years old? I know you work, but there is no way she should be outside after 5pm, hell 6pm, not unless she is in afterschool programs, or involved in some sports activity. Other than that, she needs to be under supervised guardianship afterschool while you are at work. Because trust and believe, when you have a teenager you need to know all of their movements, and whereabouts in this day and age. Especially, with new technology such as cell phones, computers, and social media.
With that, I strongly suggest taking her cell phone, computer, and other access to social media outlets which will give her access to this nasty a** boy. Cut off her communication with him. Don’t allow him at your house, in your house, near your house, or around the perimeters of your house. He needs to know that whenever he steps near your daughter that there is the threat it may very well be his last.
There needs to be some boundaries set with your daughter, and how much access and freedom you give her. Discipline is in order, and I mean taking her cell phone, computer, and access to social media, and, then once she has earned your trust, and has been able to earn back certain privileges then you allow her to use the computer. But, only with monitoring. You check her emails, social media sites, and what she’s doing and whom she’s communicating with. And, if she gets out of school before you get home from work, then she needs to be involved with afterschool activities, or being supervised by a guardian. She should not be left alone in your home while you are work.
I am glad that you have her in psychological treatment. That is a forward step in figuring out why she finds this relationship so appealing, and what is lying at the core for her and this attachment to him. But, are you in these treatment sessions with her? Sometimes these sessions are good for the teenager only, but having the parent sit in and both express and share what this means to one another helps. Perhaps you should ask the therapist if you can sit in, and see if your daughter has some underlying issues with you, or resentment that she is holding on to. And, maybe she is upset and angry about her father not being in the picture, if he is not. She may be looking for a father figure type to give her love, and attention.
I also suggest getting your daughter involved at your church, and speaking with other women besides you. Perhaps her interacting with other teenagers that her own age in the church, and being involved with activities centered around the church, and group activities will help her to grow and see things differently. These teenagers may be positive influences, and may be able to speak to her and reach her in a way that you as an adult cannot. Also, have her meet and speak with some of the elder women in the church, i. e. the First Lady, or young adult pastor. I would even go as far as having her speak with the pastor. Perhaps she may feel comfortable talking with your pastor and sharing with him/her things that she may not feel comfortable sharing with you.
You may want to consider attending an infectious disease group meeting with your local clinic. Your daughter will get a rude awakening by hearing the stories of others who have been affected by infectious diseases and what is has done to them.
Finally, moving is a good idea, but it will not resolve the issue. Why is your daughter dating this older guy? What does she find so appealing about this relationship, and being with him? Again, this will come out in the therapy sessions. And, just because you move it doesn’t prevent her from running away to go see him, nor does it prevent him in taking a bus, or train and coming to visit her where you move. Sit with your daughter, talk with her, and let her express her feelings and what’s going on. But, again, she may not feel comfortable telling you everything, so continue the therapy sessions, get her involved with your church and other young teenagers, and see if there is someone at the school she feels comfortable talking with. When they say you need a village, ma’am, you need the village now! You need a team to help you get to the bottom of this issue, and to help you resolve what’s going on with her. But, you’ve got to stay on top of her and this situation because these STDs can lead to one infection she will never get rid of. And, pregnancy is looming very close to your door. Don’t give up! Exhaust every resource, and possibility. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean